Although it’s been a while since I wrote my last post, I have been writing privately almost every day with a collection of my thoughts. I’m currently typing this on my fifth flight of the year – inspired by the small islands I’ve flown over, having no WiFi and a somewhat calmer mind.
My excuse for not being in the grove to write a blog is the fact that I’m actively processing a very confusing period of my life.
When I wrote my annual post, I had also privately written a very detailed, actionable plan set out for every quarter. When I briefly looked over them the other day, I was unsure if I wanted to laugh, cry or both.
Every single thing I wrote makes no sense anymore.
There’s that saying: the only constant in life is change.
It’s true that change is always a great opportunity to grow but it’s also extremely uncomfortable. There are moments when my brain convinces me that the discomfort doesn’t seem worth it: I should just settle for what I have, I should just suck it up and be OK with the general unhappiness I’ve felt over the past few years, I should go back to the old days. It’s the easiest thing to do. Misery is the easiest option.
At the same time, I respect myself too much to do that so I took the changes and ran with it. When I look back at this year’s photos and random musings, I’m a totally different person — and I’m digging this person. Young Paw would be so proud of what she would become.
What’s funny is that despite this, what has come up consistently in my private journal entries is the struggle to acceptance of these changes. In my very specific case, my inner dialogue is often filled with guilt for changing my mind, re-evaluating my wants and needs and damn, the guilt of my 📈 personal growth. What the fuck, right?
It’s like: what do you mean I no longer want these things when only a few months ago it’s all I ever wanted? why am I changing? who am I changing for? for me? but why? who gave me permission to do X?
Even though I’m tormented by these thoughts every day recently, I’m also the happiest I’ve ever been in the past 3 years. Friends close to me have commented on a shift in my spirit along with a more “glowy” complexion (this might just be the sunny destinations I’ve been chasing but still worth mentioning 🤪)
And the process of re-discovering myself again after a period of slowly losing myself has felt very special.
Re-reading the last two paragraphs is almost comical because it’s a good representation of the confusing emotions that I’ve been experiencing lately.
However even though I’m feeling a little lost, I’ve also discovered some concrete things that make me feel less out of control. Continuing my good habits, surrounding myself with good people, and doing the things that make me feel like this song… 💃🏻 I’m holding onto them quite tightly and letting them guide me as I navigate what’s next.
So, what’s next? I have no idea. But I guess that’s the next exciting part! Despite the chaos, I still have high hopes.
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